


How To Romance Your Way Into Someone's Pants

by orphan_account



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2017-12-26 04:03:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/961354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter wasn’t exactly a slut; although Gwen wouldn’t hesitate to call him precisely that. But she was jealous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Step 1

Peter wasn’t exactly a slut; although Gwen wouldn’t hesitate to call him precisely that. But she was jealous. Because she spent most of her college years locked up in the lab, or proudly showing off her genius outside of it, which basically translated to scaring off boys with her brain. And Peter… Peter had a unique talent for leading a double life. It wasn’t lying – it was skillfully separating business from pleasure. Gwen, of course, being a self-righteous goody two shoes she was, didn’t see it that way and enjoyed making things difficult for Peter more than anything; for such a prude, she was a real sadist. But that – and it was going to Peter’s line of defense until his dying day – was because she was jealous. Because when Peter saw what he wanted, he took it.

And what he wanted was currently sitting across the bar with a friend, nursing a beer and looking really edible. The guy, not the friend. The friend looked like he ended up in the bar on accident and wanted to get out very much – even his glasses were sweating. The guy, though,  _dreamy_.  Peter licked his lips as he took in his form. Peter was never the one to exaggerate, but seriously, even his muscles had muscles. And yet he wasn’t bulky like those bodybuilders that made Peter’s balls shrivel just by looking at them, no. He. Was. Perfect. And scarred – mostly on arms and neck, back too, probably. There was one scar going across his face and Peter could feel himself growing hot just by thinking about how he might have got it. He might have a thing for bad boys, so sue him.

“Peter, I’m talking to you,” Gwen sighed with resignation.

“Yeah, I noticed, but it’s probably about that stupid project I don’t care about so you can stop.”

“You’re a real dick sometimes, you know that? Anyway, who is it  _this time?_ ”

“Twelve o’clock, red t-shirt, scars.”

Gwen hummed appreciatively. “Shit, even his muscles have muscles.”

In times like those Peter remembered why Gwen was his best friend. He resisted the urge to ruffle her hair (the last time he messed with her hairdo she bit him) and bumped his shoulder with hers, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively. She snorted with mock disgust but she miserably failed at hiding her smile. Gwen was precious like that – way too good for Peter like that – because she was genuinely happy for Peter, as long as he was happy too.

“Are you just gonna walk up to him and flirt your way into his pants ignoring his friend? Or am I supposed to take care of that? Because I haven’t sunk so low yet, Peter.”

“God, no, chill, I’m not even gonna move, watch me. Hey, MJ, come here.”

Mary Jane walked over to them and winked at Gwen before staring down at Peter like he was nothing more than a spider she wanted to squash. “What do you want, you man-whore?” she gritted and Gwen giggled. MJ didn’t like Peter very much, not since he cheated on her a year ago, anyway. Not his proudest moment, he had to admit.

Peter cleared his throat and pretended to be completely unfazed by her obvious hostility. He preferred not to think how many of his drinks she spit into. “Can you get the hottie over there another round of what he was having from me?”

Mary scoffed and looked over to the other side of the bar and her red lips stretched into a wide grin that didn’t bode well for Peter. “Four-eyes? Sure thing, tiger.”

“MJ…” Peter whined, giving her his best begging look. “Please? You get to walk Gwen home if I get laid tonight and you know it.”

“Leave me out of this, Parker,” Gwen sighed, sending MJ an apologetic look. Sweet, perfect Gwen. Peter never had to apologize, she always did it for him. “Though I do enjoy your company, Red.”

“I will never understand what such an angel like you is doing with a scum like Parker.”

“Ego boosts, mostly.”

“I’m right here, you know,” Peter muttered into his glass.

“We do,” the girls said in unison.

Peter groaned. “Great, so just give him that fucking drink and I’ll be out of your hair, geez.”

MJ shrugged and walked away. Peter watched her pass the drink to the guy and point at Peter when he looked at her in confusion. It was on.

Their eyes met and Peter’s lips moved. The guy choked on the beer, and his friend started to frantically pat him on the back. The guy raised his hand in the universal gesture of “everything’s fine,” and Peter grinned into his glass, his eyes never leaving him. Only after the guy dropped his eyes did Peter turn to Gwen. She was staring at him in utter shock and disbelief.

“Did you just-”

Peter nodded, grinning. “Told you I would flirt my way into his pants without even moving.”

"Dude, mouthing  _'I have no gag reflex'_  is not considered flirting!”

“Why not if it’s working?”

Gwen sighed and shook her head, mumbling something about lost causes and terrible human beings. Mary Jane walked over and crossed her arms on her chest, smirking viciously.

“Not that you care, but his name is Wade and he says thank you but he’s not interested.”

Peter’s jaw literally dropped. “ _What?"_


	2. Interlude

„What would you like now? A dinner, a bath, or… me?”

Peter gagged and turned off the DVD. Note to self: do not trust Harry with porn. Hentai, Harry, really? As if Peter hadn’t been depressed enough as it was, he couldn’t have a sad and lonely jerkoff in peace now. He still couldn’t believe what happened. This shouldn’t have happened. It  _didn’t_  happen to him. Ever.

MJ was so delighted she actually kept smiling the entire time, even when Peter didn’t leave her a tip (yes, douchey, but he was bitter); she said that his failure was rewarding enough. Wade and his friend took off soon after Peter’s seduction fiasco, probably because of guilt. Or discomfort caused by Peter’s pathetic longing stares. Or something.

Gwen tried to be supportive, but her kindness was drown out by MJ’s vicious glee and Peter’s own misery. Getting drunk and going home alone to jerk off when he planned on something completely opposite hadn’t happen to him since… ever, actually. He was completely at a loss, and borrowing porn from his roommate seemed like a good idea at the time, but Harry failed him too.

Peter groaned and hid his face in the pillow, flapping his feet like an angry child. Why, why, why?! Why would this happen to him?! It was almost as horrible as getting his first camera and breaking it accidentally the same day when he was in the third grade. Actually, it was even worse, because Wade was unbearably hot and Peter had a  _very_  vivid imagination.

He could imagine  _everything_  he wanted to do to that body. He wanted to undo Wade with his bare hands; he wanted to suck him dry and make him scream as he was getting him hard again to ride him into the next year. He could almost feel the marred skin on the tips of his fingers, he could almost taste the sweat on his lips, the stretch and burn- Well, at least he wouldn’t be needing that porn after all, which only made his sad and lonely jerkoff sadder; coming  _way too fast_  to thoughts of someone Peter saw briefly one time wasn’t exactly his style.

He was about to go to sleep, too angry at himself and the world to even wash up, when he got a text from Gwen, asking if he was alright. “Peachy,” he replied, ready to toss the phone away, when it started ringing.

“What? I’m fine, Gwen, do you expect me to be crying here, eating ice cream and watching The Notebook?”

“I expected you to be jerking off to Harry’s porn like the sad and lonely failure you are.”

“Mary?! Why do you have Gwen’s phone? Don’t tell me,  _please_ , do not tell me, you got laid when I hadn’t. I will die in the pool of my own tears.”

“I wish,” she muttered with a bitter chuckle. “She left her jacket at the bus stop.”

Peter would snort in triumph if her voice didn’t sound so… down. “Are you alright, MJ?”

“I’m drunk, tiger. And I feel sorry for you, so I don’t feel sorry for myself.”

Peter hummed in understanding. He knew Mary Jane had a crush on Gwen; probably everyone except Gwen knew that. Their little miss Stacy could be very oblivious for someone so smart and focused. Maybe that was her problem, she was too focued for her own good, and on the wrong things, too.

He and Mary, they didn’t talk much after the break up, and when they did, it was always full of suppressed guilt and bitter resentment. Peter wasn’t even sure if he knew how to talk to her anymore. He should – they used to be friends. But if their friendship didn’t seem to matter when Peter was drunkenly making out with someone whose face he couldn’t even remember, why would it matter now? But maybe, just maybe, it was time to try and see.

“Do you hate me, MJ?”

“Not anymore,” she admitted after a beat. “I’m not sure if I ever have. Sure, you hurt me, unsurprisingly so, but I’ve known you for a long time, Peter. We’ve been friends since high school, and I still remember the times I was able to hurt you too.”

“You never did, though. Not really. And you did give in in the end.”

“Yeah, and look where it got me.”

Peter smiled, even though MJ couldn’t see it. Maybe because she couldn’t. Peter used to be crazy about her; his huge crush started on the first day of high school and died as soon as they got together. That was partly why he cheated on her – to give her a reason to get out from him before he would end up hurting her a lot more. It seemed like a good idea at the time to make her hate him and avoid an actual conversation about his  _feelings_ ; faster and more efficient, if you didn’t care about your reputation.

“We weren’t good for each other anyway,” Mary said after a while, sniffling. “Just like I always said.”

Peter clenched the phone in his hand. He really was a scumbag, wasn’t he. “I’m sorry, MJ. I never told you that.”

Mary chuckled and Peter imagined her flipping her beautiful hair for some reason. “Now there, tiger, what did I say. You’re the one we’re feeling sorry for tonight. Because, you know, if you remember, you totally got dumped. Like a loser. An ugly one. Who smells really bad and-”

“Okay, okay, enough,” Peter said around a laugh. “Jesus, you really know how to add salt to the wound. I still don’t believe it.”

“Maybe he isn’t into dudes.”

“That would be boring. Maybe he has chlamydia.”

“Or four kids to raise by himself.”

“He may be a priest.”

“It wouldn’t stop you, would it?”

“Not for a second.”

MJ laughed wholeheartedly, in that way of hers that ended with a unsophisticated snort, that always made Peter think about how much he adored her. He wouldn’t let himself think about it too much for the past year but he missed his friend. MJ was like the sun; bright and scorching, with everyone gravitating around her, wanting bask in her light for just a moment. Peter didn’t deserve her after what he’d done. And yet, the silence between them in that moment, wasn’t awkward at all.

“Well, come by the bar tomorrow to pick up Gwen’s phone so I can gloat. Good night, Peter.”

“See you tomorrow, MJ. Oh, and just so you know, I had jizz all over my hands the entire time we were talking.”

"Die in a fire."

Yes, that was oddly satisfying.

**Author's Note:**

> TBC


End file.
